


never forgive me, never forget me

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Depression, Diary/Journal, F/M, M/M, Post-Break Up, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-01-12 23:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21234506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dear Pete,My therapist told me to start writing letters to you.





	1. Entry 1 - 10/29/2005

10/29  
Dear Pete,  
My therapist told me to start writing letters to you, not to send, but just to get my emotions out or some shit. She also said to write down how I feel. I feel lonely, empty, confused, hurt, numb, weak, sweaty, tired, overwhelmed, depressed, and worthless. 

I hate how I always feel like this now. Gee is worried about me, and I don’t want to worry him, so I don’t tell him the truth about how I feel anymore. I want him to be happy.

God, Pete, I’m so sick of pretending to be alright. I’m not alright. Maybe today will finally be the day when you knock on the door and you pick me up and twirl me around and kiss me like you used to, and then we run away together and get married, and everything’s happy. 

If not, I know it’ll be tomorrow.  
Love,  
Mikey


	2. Entry 2 - 11/05/2005

11/05  
Dear Pete,   
It’s currently three in the morning, and I’m crying so much that it’s getting hard to breathe. I haven’t been doing very well lately. I saw an interview with you on MTV today. You looked gorgeous. Gee saw me watching it, and he turned off the TV. He treats me like a sick little kid or a baby kitten or something now, like he pities me. I don’t like it.

I’ve started wearing eyeliner. It’s a little tribute to you. You deserve a lot more, but eyeliner will do for now. The only annoying thing about eyeliner is that it gets all over my pillows when I cry, but I’m used to that by now.

God, Pete, I’m so tired of pretending not to care about anything. Lately, it’s harder than it used to be to put up this strong, emotionless façade. See, part of me desperately needs people to care about me, while another part just wants to be left alone, and I never know which part to listen to. If you were here, I’d ask you for advice, because you always give good advice, but then again, if you were here, I wouldn’t have this problem in the first place.

My therapist says I think about the past too much, and I need to live in the moment, but right now isn’t exactly going well for me, and my future is bound to be even worse, so the past is all I have. 

Gee says I should go to bed now, so I guess I’ll write soon.  
Eternally Yours,  
Mikey


	3. 1/01/2006

1/01  
Dear Pete,  
It’s the first day of 2006, which means the time we had together is getting farther and farther in the past. Everyone I know is telling me to move on from you, but I just can’t. Pete, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I mean that. 

Gerard won’t let me have any alcohol, which fucking sucks because it’s New Years. He explained that it’s because of what happened last time I got drunk, the time when I dreamed you were still with me, then woke up and cried when I realized you weren’t. He’s still treating me like a baby. I bet you’re out somewhere getting drunk and laid for New Years. You’re so much cooler than me, Pete.

I wish I was more like you. You’re fun, and social, and tough, and sexy, and everyone likes you. You probably never even loved me, but that’s okay. If I were you, I wouldn’t have even looked in my direction. 

Here are some things I love about you, Pete: your eyes, the way your face lights up when you smile, your hair, your eyeliner, your laugh, how you always used to call me Mikeyway, the way you taught me how to feel, your ass.

“You are everything I want because you’re everything I’m not.”  
\- A line from some angst-filled emo song that I never really understood until I met you  
Love,  
Your Mikeyway


	4. 5/03/2006

5/03/2006

Dear Pete,   
Sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote to you. You’re kind of a mess, aren’t you? Don’t worry, I am too. I saw that leaked picture of your dick online today. It was weird to know that I’m not one of the only people who’ve seen it anymore. 

I recognized your mum’s bathroom wall in the picture. It made me remember when you still lived with her, and how we made out in the basement there. Those were some of the best days of my life.  
There’ve been a lot of rumors about you lately. I don’t remember you sleeping around or acting like a “real rock star” this much. I hope you’re alright. A little part of me thinks it might be because you’re missing me, but I know you’ve probably forgotten about me by now. 

I’m a little bit scared that I’m never going to get over you. My therapist expected me to by now. It’s been almost a year since we broke up. I guess you’re the kind of boy that it’s just not easy to forget. I know I never will.   
Love,  
Mikeyway


	5. 6/4/2006

6/4/2006

Dear Pete,

It's the 4th of July. It's been a whole year. I feel sick to my stomach. Gee and the rest of the band are going out for drinks to celebrate, and then watch fireworks, but I'm staying home. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to see fireworks again, not yet. It's okay; I'm sure they won't even miss me.

I got contacts and new hair, Pete. I didn't want to be the person who's heart you broke anymore. My hair's still brown, it's just a darker shade of brown than it was before, and it's out of my face. 

You have a new girlfriend again, huh? That's like the fifth one this year. All your exes should form an "I got my heart broken by Pete Wentz" club. I could be the president.

Gee has some ideas for the next album. It's gonna be another big concept album. Gee likes concept albums. Not that I don't, but I don't really care about anything that isn't you anymore.

I haven't gotten out of bed all day. It's getting kind of late. I hope everyone's having fun without me. I hope you're kissing someone else under the sunset and giggling with her and watching the fireworks. I hope you're flashing her that beautiful smile, and I hope it makes her heart melt like it always did for me. 

My therapist says I should find someone else, but I don't want anybody else, Pete. I just want you. 

Love you,  
Mikeyway


	6. 8/10/2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WRITTEN BY XASTROCREEPX

8/10/2006

Dear Pete,

My fucking eyes sting from crying so much. Just thinking of your smile makes me regret everything we did together. I still love you though. I don't know why... but I just do. You were my everything. You were, or so I thought, my one and only. I hope you have a better life without me... I hope everyone does. :) This is my goodbye letter.  
Love you always,  
Mikeyway


	7. 8/21/2006

8/21/2006

Dear Pete,

I lived. Not super excited about it, but Gee would be upset if I died for real, so I'm staying here. Sorry I didn't write sooner, but I just got out of the hospital today. Gee is constantly checking up on me now.   
It's kinda annoying, but I know it's because he cares. Your life has been a lot more exciting than mine lately. You're all over the news. I can barely keep track of how many stories there are about you fucking some famous girl or stealing someone's girlfriend or getting in fights with guys from other bands. Maybe you're just as broken as I am. Probably not. I know you're enjoying your controversial rock star life.

Oh, Gee and Frankie are dating now. They have to keep it secret, because they don't want gossip all over the news, but they're definitely dating. It kind of stings to see everyone happy but me, but I guess I'm used to it. 

I miss you,  
Mikeyway


	8. 8/23/2006

9/23/2006

Dear Pete,

I'm sorry it's been a month since I've written. Our new album, The Black Parade, got really fucking popular. Currently, I'm crowded onto a bus with my sweaty-ass bandmates. Gerard and Frank are making out (gross), Ray is asleep, and Bob is passed out drunk on the floor. 

Our band is like, worldwide fucking famous, but I don't really care, because I miss you too much to care about groupies and fame and money right now. I'd give all the money in the world to be in your arms again, Pete, and I don't care if that sounds corny. Love can do weird shit to a person, and it's ruined me. I used to be a badass, edgy emo kid who didn't care about anything or feel emotions, and I thought that was how I'd always stay. But then I met you, and that all went to shit.

I turned down a girl for you today, Pete. I'm a fucking idiot, I know. She was hot, or at least I normally would've found her hot. She looked like a female version of you, which might have been why I was drawn to her. She was short, with tanned skin and wide eyes, and she was always pouting. She made me miss you even more. 

How many girls have you fucked since I've been gone, huh? God, it's been almost a year and a half since I've gotten laid. I don't want to do that with anyone but you. 

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really bad about you, I imagine a universe where we didn't break up after Warped. We didn't care what the media thought, and we ran off together and got married. I wish that could really have happened. I wish I hadn't been such a coward.

Love you forever (whether I want to or not),  
Mikeyway


	9. 9/27/2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy one day late Veteran's Day

9/27/2006

Dear Pete,

I don't know if I can do this anymore. It's like everything in the world is changing except me. I'm just stuck here, stuck thinking of you. I heard you're engaged to Ashlee Simpson. That's great, I'm so fucking happy for you. :) Have you even thought of me once since you left? I know the answer is no. Have fun with your famous actress wife, you cunt. 

Everyone's still treating me like a fragile little kid, fake-smiling at me and talking slowly and softly. I know they're not trying to make me feel worse, but they do. 

It rained today, Pete. It rained when I was out for a walk. Weirdly, I didn't care. I stopped walking for a second and just stood there with the rain falling on me. My clothes are still soaked through, and my eyeliner is a mess, but it really doesn't matter. I don't care what I look like to anyone but you, and you're not here to see me. 

It feels so stupid to write these letters and not even send them. Maybe, one day when I'm braver, I'll send the whole journal to you. Just in case I ever do that, here's my message to you: I love you, Pete. I always have, and I always will. I loved you when we first met at Warped Tour, I loved you when you came to watch our shows, I loved you when we kissed, sweaty and hidden away, on the tour bus. I loved you when Warped ended and you left, and I love you now, all alone and depressed and fucked over by you. I'll love you no matter what happens, when I take my last breath, I'll be loving you.

But I know you'll never feel that way about me, and that's okay. I know how things work. Boys like you don't even look at boys like me. I just feel so helpless, so out of control of my emotions. I tried to stop myself from loving you, and that failed miserably. I also feel like everyone's happy but me. Frank and Gee are happy, together. All my bandmates are happy because of the success of our new album. You're happy with Ashlee. So why aren't I happy? Is there something wrong with me? I don't know which is worse, the times when I feel like this, or the times when I feel nothing at all.

Love,  
Mikeyway


	10. 9/31/2006

9/31/2006  
Dear Pete,

I wish I was brave enough to write you a letter and actually send it, and not care what you thought of me, or if I got my point across in the way I intended, or if the grammar was all perfect. I would be brave enough to write it in pen, so it was permanent and bold. You're all I can think of, Pete. When I try to think about something else, it doesn't work. I just think of your smile, your eyes, our inside jokes, and I really wish I could tell you everything about the way I feel.

But, even when I pretend to be, I'm not that brave. So, instead of a letter, I'll pretend I'm sending you my heart, sealing it off in a packing envelope, and, for extra safety, putting the envelope in a cardboard box, and my love for you would deliver it right to your doorstep. 

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll never work up enough courage to talk to you again.

Love,  
Mikeyway


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Pete,

My therapist tells me I'm too dependent on you. She's probably right, but it's not like I can really help it. I die a little bit inside every time I cry for you. I know I should be enjoying my band's newfound success, but all I can think about is your eyes. They're brown, with a golden-green tint around the pupil, the way they would always widen when you smiled, and how long and pretty your eyelashes were. 

I wonder where you are right now, what you're doing, who you're fucking. It feels like you're a whole universe away from me. Fuck, Pete, you really messed me up. 

I guess I'm living without you, but it hardly feels like living.

I swear, Pete, you're going to be the death of me one day, but at least I'll die happy.

If I still had you now, things would be different. We could run away together, start a new life where no one knows who we are. I'm only 25, Pete. I'm too young to spend all my time lying around and thinking about what I should have done differently in life, but that's all I seem to be capable of doing now.

Love,  
The boy you ruined


	12. Pete's Entry 1 - 10/29/2005

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AKA, Peter Lewis Kingston III is a dumbass, and I love him for it

Pete's Entry 1 - 10/29/2005

Dear Diary Or Some Shit,

I miss Mikeyway. I miss him a lot. I know that sounds gay. I'm not gay. Mikey and I were just... really close friends who fucked a few times because we were drunk and bored. And anyone would miss their best friend when he left, right? In my situation, it's normal to feel like your heart is breaking in two. It just means you're a good friend. And sometimes friends tell each other "I love you", totally platonically.

Mikeyway and I should totally hang out again sometime! But I just feel like it'd be different, since after the tour ended, you know? I'll just wait for him to call me, which I'm sure will be soon.

One of the things that makes Mikey so cool is the way he doesn't really let his emotions show unless you know how to look for them. Like, his mouth is almost always a straight line, but if you look really closely at his eyes, past the reflection off his wicked cool glasses, you can see them sparkle sometimes. But that's only when he's really happy.

Anyways, I'm gonna go get drunk tonight, and hopefully laid, too. I fuck a lot of girls, but it's not as fun as it used to be, ever since we got back from Warped about a week ago. It's probably just because I'm tired and not used to being back home yet. Someday, I hope I meet a girl I really love.

If I could design a perfect girl, I think she'd be tall and mysterious, with pretty eyes, and maybe glasses. She'd be a little bit of a dork, but also really hot in a weird way, and, most importantly, she'd make me feel like I could fly, like I was in heaven already. I hope I meet a girl like that soon.

Bye,  
Pete xoxo


	13. Mikey's Entry 12 - 10/20/2006

Mikey's Entry 12 - 10/20/2006

Dear Pete,

Today's the last day of our tour, thank God. I'm lying on the floor of the tour bus with a pen, my journal, and my phone, waiting for you to finally call me. Part of me still believes you will. Isn't that funny? It seems like missing you and waiting for you are the only things I do lately. But I know that one day, I'll kiss you again, even if it's just one more time, even if it's just for half a second. Then, my life will finally be complete. 

I want to fill a thousand notebooks with a million love letters to you that you'll never ever read, because I'll never be brave enough to actually send them. 

I remember the exact moment I first saw you. You were laughing too loudly, showing off your straight white teeth. I thought you were obnoxious. Everything's changed since then. I'm probably the obnoxious one now. I miss all your stupid jokes. I miss the way your hair fell in your eyes. I miss your dramatic, romantic poetry. It feels like it's been an eternity since the last time I saw you. The last time I saw you in person, anyways. I saw a picture of you with your fiancee online today. You're really cute together. You look happy. I'm glad. All I really want is for you to be happy, Pete. 

I wish you would at least pretend that you love me. That would be enough for me.

Love,  
Mikeyway


	14. Mikey's Entry 13 - 10/30/2006

Mikey's Entry 13 - 10/30/2006

Dear Pete,

All I want is to be with you, but I know I never will be again, and that kills me inside. I feel like I should be feeling better by now, but I don't. I just feel so fucking empty when you're not with me, and you're never with me anymore, so I guess I just... always feel empty. 

I'm really sorry, Pete. I know it's my fault our relationship ended. I know I'm annoying. I know I'm dumb. I know I'm clingy. I know I'm a handful. I know I'm a fuck-up. I'm really fucking sorry. Please just try to forget I exist. Your life will be a lot happier, I promise. I'm at that point in my life where I'm just so fucking done with everything.

I'm done with love, except for with you. I'm done with eating, except for the two saltine crackers and half a glass of water I eat every day to survive. I'm done with sleeping, except for an hour a night. Gerard is worried about me, because I'm paler and thinner than I've ever been in my life, and I cry a lot. I don't really leave the house anymore, either. Everything in my life is falling apart.

I wish you were here to love me. I wish you were here to love me at three in the morning, when I'm lying on my bed and crying so hard I can barely breathe. 

Gerard just came into my room and started crying. He said he doesn't want me to die like this. I don't know what he's talking about. I'm obviously doing fine.

Love,  
Mikeyway


	15. Pete's Entry 2 - 11/15/2006

Pete's Entry 2 - 11/15/2006

Dear Diary Or Some Shit,

I have a fiancee now. She has pretty hair and pale skin, and she smells like strawberries. I know I should be happy right now, but something's just stopping me from really being invested in anything. Everything's just boring and empty. I've been trying to see how much I can get away with lately. I'll fuck someone's girlfriend, or put a picture of my dick on the internet, or say something controversial on live TV. I just don't care anymore. I miss the days when I could barely stop laughing. 

Fuck, Patrick's calling. Be right back.

...

I'm back. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Mikeyway is in the fucking hospital. Too many pills, not enough food or sleep. Poor thing passed out on his bathroom floor last night, apparently. He's in a coma... I wish it was me instead of him.

Please, please be okay, Mikey,  
Pete xoxo


	16. Pete's Entry 3 - 11/21/2006

Pete's Entry 3 - 11/21/2006

Dear Diary Or Some Shit,

Mikey, I'm with you right now. I know you can't tell, but I'm with you. I hope you wake up soon. 

Mikey, the doctors say you might not make it, but I know you're gonna wake up. I just know it. But even if you don't, and we never get to talk again, please just know that you changed me forever, and just know how much you mean to me.

I didn't want to admit it, but I think I might be in love with you.

It's my fault you went into this coma, isn't it?

Mikey, I broke off the engagement with Ashlee, and when you wake up, I'm going to love you as much as you deserve. I'll buy you everything you want, I'll make all your favourite foods and we can watch all the movies you love, and I'll hold you close and kiss you every chance I get. I'll buy you the biggest, prettiest diamond ring I can find, and we'll have a beautiful wedding just the way you want it, and we'll adopt kids and get our own house, and we'll grow old together. I promise, Mikeyway. and all you have to do is wake up. 

Love,  
Pete xoxo


End file.
